Everyday, we encounter personalities that either comfortably agree or violently stray away from our own.  I, for one, appreciate the diversity of humanity – my experiences in my former career have helped foster my understanding of what “essential” human nature is.  But some experiences engender questions in me that are yet to have answers.

In my early years, I have met people whose mindsets are discordant with my own.  Most were women, but there were men whose philosophies could rival the Machiavellian ideas of some of my female colleagues.  Manipulating other people were second nature to them, and those they couldn’t align with their ideologies were either pushed to the side or had their ideas reduced to doubtful plausibility.

They had calculating minds, I concluded.

But what does it really mean to have a calculating mind?

Life has thrown one obstacle after another in my way, and they feel like karma to me.  What could I have done in my past life to deserve this hardship?  Like a fool I have even considered that perhaps something is wrong with me, that I draw out the worst in people.  Perhaps something in me lures them in, making them hurt me with their words and deeds.  Before I personally battled with cancer, I learned to live with these people, to take them as a sad part of my reality.  For instance, when my friend introduced me to her sister, I instantly felt her dislike towards me.  Whenever we would meet, the air would electrify with antagonistic tension.  Her smiles were forced, and her words were the worst – grabbed from empty promises of friendship.

The things I would do to appease her were mostly for my friend’s benefit.  I even helped her find a job.  The friendship sustained me for some time, and my being kind to my friend’s sister felt like a deed of gratitude for all the things my friend did for me.  This deed of gratitude felt almost like a sin of gratitude for me, for like a supplicant on God’s altar, I felt like the things I was doing for my friend’s sister were for my own benefit, for my own selfish need to be liked.  Thankfully, a colleague and mentor from work wise in years saved me from my needless guilt: “Calculating minds, Vicky!  She’s trying to figure out if she should classify herself above or below you.”  His words hit home.  Could the antagonism be from plain envy?  But why?  Has my kindness offended her?  Or did she think that my kindness was a sort of ploy to show off how I could bring about progress in someone’s life that they could not otherwise do on their own?

How about those who underestimate another’s capability?  Have we not come across colleagues in the office, in classrooms, or simply in one’s circle of friends and acquaintances who believe they are all-knowing and their ideas have to be implemented?  My recent experiences in some subjects in my MBA class clearly demonstrate how shallow the minds of some people are.  Don’t these people ever imagine or realize that the person on the other side of the fence could perhaps be steps, if not ladders, above them in terms of background, experience and sophistication?  Why do they just open their mouths without thinking?  Do they purposely put themselves up because they are down?

My only answer to all of the above questions is that one does not get ahead by elbowing other people around.  The people I have encountered in my former career have stamped out the hope I had for the essential goodness of people.  There we go again, with what is “essential” to us.  I am reminded of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs: the most basic necessities must be addressed first before we embark on the path to self-actualization.  This theory is partly true for me, but I believe that realizing one’s potential does not have to involve trampling upon the potential of others.

The bottom line though, is envy.  People resent another person’s advantages or accomplishments.  They do their utmost to bring that person down – the so-called crab mentality.  This horrendous illness is not only characteristic of our society.  Every culture I have had the displeasure of coming to blows with has shown me that they, too, have their own little crabs ready to bring someone down with their sharp pincers of unfounded criticism and spitting envy.  What blows me away is when such people suddenly become too friendly when they realize that they can use you to their advantage.  Well, the time to ingratiate oneself has arrived!  How unscrupulous!  How thick-skinned!  Never-ending encounters with barracudas!  In this vast sea of sharks and rats, I find myself falling to the bottom of the sea.  But my triumph against cancer has me floating toward the surface, breaking the water of complacency and greeting the inviting rays of righteous dissent.

There is a Filipino saying which goes, “A fly that manages to get itself on top of a water buffalo makes itself out higher than the water buffalo.”  This cannot be truer.  It is human nature.  There are some members of the nouveau-riche who remain untouched by culture.  Such people are not able to fathom that with rise in stature comes savoir-faire – the ability to say or do the right or graceful thing.  Difficult?  Yes, for how can one assimilate himself into a culture vastly unfamiliar to his own?  There is hope, though.  If people are only able to process in their minds the situations they find themselves in and recognize the consequences of their actions, then they are on the best way to learn, understand and improve themselves.  It is the depth of one’s acumen that determines if he or she has what it takes to live in dignity and integrity.  A diamond is analogous to this great human predicament.  Like that eternal stone, we have the four C’s: clarity, color, cut and carat.  The higher the grade, the greater the value; whereas, the lower the grade, the lesser the value.  In which grade of the diamond do we fit?

To this day, life continues in the same manner, albeit I now know much more.  Because of cancer, my life has taken a hundred and eighty degree turn and I now retaliate if I have to.  I know now how to fight for myself, how to teach a lesson to people they won’t soon forget.  The many times that I have been bludgeoned in my life have made my sense of perception extra sharp that I can read behind people’s words and actions.  Somehow, I can also manage to laugh now about such despicable experiences, although they will always remain abrasive.  Despite all, I have not lost my sense of sensitivity towards other people though.  This is a burden.  A sweet burden I willingly slung across my back, along with the trials and obstacles that have made me who I am today.

This abrasive post does not denounce the ability to be calculating, but one has to be in the right time and place for it.  The “Desiderata” should be something kept to heart at all times.

There is a time and place for everything, even for you and me.